you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
