i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize