it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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