Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
