she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
