grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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