If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
