I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
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