Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
