I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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