I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
