the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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