She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
