He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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