im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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