im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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