If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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