Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
We have started to decorate penises.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize