mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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