I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Randomize
