When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize