Your tits are I can't wait for
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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