This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize