woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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