dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
