Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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