I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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