he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
you never un-have a 4some
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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