I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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