wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
