It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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