You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
