My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
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