Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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