Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
