Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I want a musical about memes.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
