They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Operation Purity has been aborted
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
