Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
