weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
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