I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
