the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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