Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
