no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
