that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
