2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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