There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
