Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
