Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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