You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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