yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
People in love make me want to vomit
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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