Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
My bed smells like the plague
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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