matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Randomize
