My liver just broke up with me...
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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