saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
