I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Randomize
