found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize