when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Randomize
