i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize