I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
