I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Green mimosas i think yes
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
