I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
